Why Can't I Just Forgive Them!?!
3 things we must re-learn about forgiveness
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Hot Take: The Church has taught forgiveness wrong. That's why you can't "just forgive them."
I was scrolling through Facebook, and found this article by Relevant magazine:
https://relevantmagazine.com/faith/forgiveness-doesnt-mean-forgetting/
I'll admit, there is one particular myth that I don't agree with in this article, bonus points if you can guess which one it is.
Anyway, I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring and share my thoughts. You're welcome to disagree with me. I'm okay with that. Here goes...
Forgiveness is a process, and like all processes, it takes time.
When I was taking a course in my master's program the instructor shared "The 4 'R's' of Healing Relationships."
Repentance - taking ownership.
Reconciliation - discussion of what happened.
Restoration - small conversations/opportunities to build trust. (not just pleasantries)
Reinstatement - things are looking up!
Here's where things go off the rails.
Many (too many!) believe that forgiveness means things go back to normal.
What did Einstein say the definition of insanity was? Something like - doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? At some point, something has to change. Either the behaviour of the other person, or your reaction to it.
Traditionally we've heard things like:
"Forgive as Christ forgave you."
"The Lord's Prayer tells us to forgive those who trespassed against us."
(Spoiler alert: it's actually debtors - people who owe us, not people who wronged us.)
"God removes our transgressions from his mind as far as the east is from the west."
"If you remember you have something against a brother you should go and be reconciled."
"We're called to forgive."
"70x7"
I don't know about you, but the last time I checked, I wasn't God.
Therefore, I'm not perfect. I can't forgive like Christ and God, even if I'm called to it. I can't remove transgressions from my mind, and reconciliation doesn't mean a relationship goes back to the way it was.
Furthermore, if one person requests forgiveness, why should the other person not request changed behaviour? We muddle up forgiveness as reconciliation and restoration, but largely miss the first step - repentance.
Repentance:
"the fact of showing that you are sorry for something wrong that you have done."
(Oxford Dictionary)
I am eternally grateful to Cloud and Townsend for their book Boundaries. If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it. I said above that something had to change - either the other person or your reaction to them - this book will help with the changes you may need to make.
But here's the thing about boundaries, and Cloud and Townsend were the first to illuminate this for me, too: when you begin setting boundaries you will experience anger.
The reason is simple, you realize how much you've taken on that wasn't yours in the first place. Plus, there’s the additional fact that those around you have taken advantage of you up until this point, and they will try many ways to push past your boundary.
Here's another thing about boundaries that is really important: Boundaries are for you, not them. If you're trying to put a boundary on them, you're just manipulating them, and that's not right either.
A few examples may help:
I didn't tell someone not to text me, but I changed how quickly I responded.
I stopped explaining myself and simply said "Sorry, I can't," or "That won't work for me/us."
When I'm sharing an opinion and I get a lot of push back, I just change the topic.
I know someone that just won't answer the question - and I think it's amazing. They simply just don't engage. It's awesome!
If someone says something that I feel is offensive or upsetting, I turn away and begin a conversation with someone else.
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