Vashti: What I'm (Still) Learning About Standing Up for Myself
Reflections of a Woman in Leadership Ministry
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Once, when I was driving to a retreat, I began to ponder different women in the Bible. The usual women came to mind - Mary Magdalene, Ruth & Naomi, Esther - but as I allowed myself to reflect more on the story of Esther, it wasn’t Esther that stood out to me, it was Vashti.
Vashti was the Queen of Persia, married to King Ahasuerus (Xerxes). At the end of a long celebration, King Xerxes gives an order to his seven eunuchs to bring Vashti before him because he wanted to show off her beauty to the numerous nobles and high ranking officials. Vashti refused. This sent Xerxes into a rage, and his highest leaders into action. “If Vashti can refuse, then she sets the example for all wives,” they believed. So, Vashti was banished from ever seeing the King again. Eventually, her position was replaced by Esther.
Vashti was ordered to do something, and she refused.
I don’t know why she refused. I once heard a Pastor say it was because she was summoned in only the crown, and nothing else. Something that is stated again in the Women’s Bible Commentary.1 Maybe she was tired of being summoned. Maybe she didn’t want to be a trophy. Who knows?
While I was driving, and reflecting, it reminded me a bit of my own journey. I mean, I didn’t say no, but my actions were pretty clear - I left.
It really began in a conservative church (there were sprinklings of Christianity before). After a few years, I began noticing things. Women could lead women, help in the kitchen, and care for the children. They could be deacons, but not elders. They could be “coordinators,” but not Pastors. I brought it up, and while I don’t blame the poor guy (he was blindsided by my anger and frustration), he said “that’s ridiculous.” Our talk didn’t end well, but my friend told me she had a great conversation with him afterwards based on what I brought up. He reacted to me, and responded to her.
A reaction is what happens when we have little time to consider our actual thoughts and feelings. It’s emotionally driven.
A response is what happens when we’ve assessed the situation/topic, and can offer or ask for some solid feedback. It’s thoughtful.
For a long time I would consider myself a complementarian (male headship in church and home). But the fact is, I’d changed because of the church I was attending. I wasn’t as outspoken as I used to be. I conformed. I acted the way I was taught, and believed, women “should” act.
For me, Vashti showed how one woman stood up for herself in the face of a male dominated culture. She said “no” to the expectations. She defied the norm. I feel a lot like Vashti, only I didn’t use my voice at first. However, in Canada, we’re known to “vote with [our] feet” so it doesn’t entirely surprise me anymore.2 Plus, I had to relocate my voice before I could begin using it again. Something I’m getting better at, but still struggle with. It’s been a long process of un-learning, reframing, and re-forming. Unfortunately, it’s also been a journey with moments of deep grief. Of getting back up after being knocked down. Of standing my ground, over and over, again. And it can be downright exhausting.
I recently shared this note on Substack:
My husband once shared this sentiment with me after I lamented the fact that I was (once again) dealing with a comment someone directed at me as a woman in ministry.
“I don’t consider myself a feminist theologian,” I told him.
“Generally… you’re not,” he responded, “but unfortunately, there are times when you have to be.”
One lesson I recently learned, which Vashti demonstrates loud and clear, is saying - “No, I won’t show up to this.” There are times when speaking up is important, and there are people who will listen. However, in some cases, no matter how much I know or how many receipts I bring, it’s not going to matter anyway. Those are the moments where I don’t need to show up. Ironically, when I remain silent in the conversation, they’re also the moments the other person shows who they really are, and I never actually needed to say anything after all.
Newsom, Carol A., Sharon H. Ringe, and Jacqueline E. Lapsley, eds. 2012. Women’s Bible Commentary - 3rd ed., Twentieth Anniversary Edition. Louisville, Ky: Westminster John Knox Press, 204.
Robertson, James Tyler. 2022. Overlooked: The Forgotten Origin Stories of Canadian Christianity. Saskatoon: New Leaf Press, 193.