The Faith of Unknowing

Where Sacred Discovery Begins

I walk the line between what I thought I knew, and sacred discovery.

It’s a time of, “I have faith! Help my lack of faith!” (Mark 9:24, CEB). You may have heard it read as, “I believe! Help my unbelief!” However, the more I learn, the more accepting I am of times of non-belief. There's just so much more than we could ever understand.

Photo by Natalie on Unsplash

These past few years I've found myself living in this faith/lack of faith tension. It’s part of the reason I named this Substack Gracious Tension. Through it all, I've heard myself say over and over again, “Maybe we're all right and we're all wrong.”

I can tell the moment I've lost someone when I say that.

I get it! It's a dangerous sentence. It has the capability to bring the walls of faith crashing down around you. I guess it doesn’t bother me as much, because I often find myself standing in the broken debris of my faith walls.

Sometimes I pick up a piece of that debris, and I ponder it. Turning it over in my hands I take a closer look at where I thought it fit. Is it part of a load-bearing wall? Will the door open correctly if I try to shove it back into place? Or is it something I can sweep away, knowing it never really fit in the first place.

It can be lonely. Sitting here by myself, surveying the damage that’s the equivalent of swinging a wrecking ball into a concrete building. It’s dusty, and desolate, but it’s not the end.

Some walls needed to go. They weren’t helpful for me, or the people around me. My foundation though? It is rock. solid. Despite these moments of disorientation, I believe that what’s in front of me is more than I can ever imagine… it’s just going to take time, and whole lot of unknowns. Two things I really struggle with.

But isn't that the purpose of faith?

For instance, if I do something “in faith” it means I don't know what will happen, but I hope for a good outcome. “In faith” is in direct opposition to certainty.

We can never know all there is to know about faith, Christianity, creation, spirituality, and so much more. So… we’re all right and we’re all wrong.

Humanity has the desire for certainty while living in the uncertain, and unknown. Therefore, we “control” what we can. Or so we believe. But even that is an act of faith.

Accidents, a slow driver, or something as unexpected as a small paper cut can become indicators of our lack of control. Our response demonstrating how much we either think we’re in control, or desire to be in control. Being inconvenienced inadvertently exposes us.

There are periods in my faith journey where I begin to panic because I really don’t know what’s coming next. Ironically, the two most recent ones were in the second year of the Master’s program, and the second year of the D.Min. program. What’s with the second year?! More importantly, what’s my response?

I’d love to say it’s one of quiet contemplation, imaginative prayer, dwelling peacefully in nature, or resting in the comforting presence of Jesus.

That’s just not the case.

First, I freak out. In this period of “freaking out,” I spend a few days in bed worried about the state of finances, or the economy. I berate myself for spending time and money on education with no idea what I’m supposed to do when I’m done. I say things to myself like, “A step of faith!? More like a step of stupidity!” I get frustrated. I get angry. I want to change something, anything, to feel better. I spend a lot of time in my head.

This is my spiral. My desire for control, and certainty. I’m right, and I’m wrong, for that moment of time.

It’s not super helpful.

Finally, after I’ve wallowed long enough (or much longer than is healthy), I start reaching out, asking for help, seeking advice from those around me, and paying closer attention to key moments in the past year or so.

• The moments that seemed to come together with very little “work” on my part - the movement of the Spirit.

• The things that were easier than I expected - stepping into my gifting.

• The people who impacted me in ways that were life-giving - Spirit again!

Celebration is a spiritual discipline I haven’t mastered yet. I’m too busy moving to the next idea, I don’t stop to celebrate when I’ve finished the last one… if I finished it. So I shift my perspective. I look back, and notice.¹

It’s funny, there’s the unknown of the future, and taking steps towards what’s awaiting you. However, there is also the unknowing of the past. The unintentional, unconscious ways we skip over things that happened as we get closer to our goal. Those seemingly mundane, easy to overlook moments that are little blips but lead to something really cool.

Both are sacred discoveries.²

1. Over the summer I started using ChatGPT to help me stay organized, and the biggest blessing is when I periodically ask it to share everything I’ve completed since the start of the chat. It really does help to put some of the wind back in my sails… and it helps me discern the movement of God, too.

2. Perhaps the most ironic part of this post is how I thought I titled it The Faith of Unknown only to get to the end, and realize that this big epiphany of “unknowing” the past was part of the title the whole time.