"Final Silencing": After Leaving an Unhealthy Church
For the past couple years I’ve been deep in the weeds of researching spiritual abuse, and unhealthy church cultures. There’s a few definitions of spiritual abuse floating around out there, but for my study I’ve been relying on Oakley and Humphreys’ because it encompasses so much. They share,
Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is characterized by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context.
This abuse may include: manipulation and exploitation, enforced accountability, censorship of decision making, requirements for secrecy and silence, coercion to conform, control through the use of sacred texts or teaching, requirement of obedience to the abuser, the suggestion that the abuser has a ‘divine’ position, isolation as a means of punishment, and superiority and elitism.1
Oakley and Humphreys specifically discuss the different types of silencing one may experience both within the church if they decide to speak up, after leaving the church, and the lack of discussion regarding spiritual abuse within some faith communities. They refer to the last one as the “final layer of silence.”2 When I refer to “final silencing” I’m talking about something a little different - the complete loss of friendships, and community after leaving a church.
Just so I’m clear, theological differences are not considered spiritual abuse.3
Different types of baptism is a theological difference.
Having women in leadership is a theological difference.
Inclusion is a theological difference.
That being said, spiritual abuse can arise from theological differences:
Belittling someone for being unable to speak in tongues (Spirit baptism).
Silencing people who question or disagree.
Coercing someone into a specific lifestyle.
It can be difficult to separate, but there is a difference.
As I’ve talked with others, and researched unhealthy church cultures, I noticed a similar theme when people left unhealthy church communities. They felt like they didn’t matter. That their contributions didn’t matter. That the church just moved on. No matter what they said as they left, they weren’t heard. Changes weren’t made. It was “their interpretation” of how things were, and they were wrong.
Final Silencing may feel like this:
You don’t go here anymore, so you don’t matter.
Based on these conversations, research, and experience, here are some other things you may feel, either from the church you left or yourself:
We can’t control your theology as much anymore, so you may be a threat.
You aren’t contributing, and our resources are thin so we’ll focus somewhere else.
You’re sharing messages we don’t agree with, so we’ll call you and your faith into question.
You can’t be trusted anymore.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Final Silencing robs you of what you did do while you were at that church. If you’re deconstructing it can also send you into a tailspin of trying to find your identity, and wondering who to place your trust in. You’re dealing with hurt, frustration, and confusion. You may lash out, share pain openly, and say harmful things.
If I can offer any words of wisdom in leaving an unhealthy church, even though they may feel small, it’s this:
You’re allowed to be angry, and hurt, and frustrated, and confused.
It’s okay to lash out in the moment.
It’s okay to not trust anyone, even yourself, for a little while.
You left an unhealthy church culture, you can give yourself credit for that.
You’re allowed to feel grief when a happy memory surfaces, and anger when you remember the harm.
Sharing your experience isn’t wrong, it was your experience.
It’s devastating to leave a church no matter what the reason is or how healthy your new church is. The concept of starting over, building new relationships, establishing connections, and maintaining your sanity can be daunting. I felt immense grief when I left different churches, and you know what’s part of grief? Anger. You can feel anger even if you leave a healthy church. It may just be for different reasons. It’s part of the process.
How Spiritual Direction Can Help:
A trained spiritual director can help you sift through your experiences, healthy or unhealthy, to find meaning in what you went through. They can also recognize when you may benefit from another professional, such as a therapist.
Because of my research, I offer a space of permission. Instead of saying “let’s pray,” I’ll ask if it’s okay if I pray. If someone has a hard time relating to God as “Father,” we’ll consider God in gender neutral or feminine terms. If someone is looking for a connection with a “higher power” but doesn’t trust Jesus, we’ll talk about Creator or the Universe.
The process of a spiritual journey is much different than a religious one.
Oakley, Lisa and Justin Humphreys. 2019 Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse: Creating Healthy Christian Cultures. London, UK: SPCK, 22.
Oakley and Humphreys, Escaping the Maze, 48.
Oakley and Humphreys, Escaping the Maze, 111.