Am I A "Christian Atheist?"

Existential Reflections on a Book Title

I met with a friend yesterday, and mentioned that I was struggling with whether I was a “Christian Atheist” because, once again, I had let cynicism seep into my faith as a result of research on spiritual abuse. Do I fear this concept of being a Christian Atheist? Let’s go back a few steps to where this actually started… *insert dramatic theme music here*

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Lately on my Facebook feed I get ads for Audible, and the first book that pops up is “The Christian Atheist” by Craig Groeschel. Now, before I even begin let me be clear about two things - First, I have not read this book so I have no idea what it’s about. Second, I don’t have anything against Craig Groeschel. This is simply me pondering my faith, my research, my actions, and a book title that caught my attention.

The tagline for “The Christian Atheist” says

Believing in God but Living As If He Doesn’t Exist

So, here I am caught up in my cynicism, feeling a disconnect between myself and God, and I keep getting this book showing up on my feed. Some might call this a divine message, I call it confusing. Am I living as if God doesn’t exist? Or, am I living as if God doesn’t exist according to a Western Evangelical perspective of God? When I voiced this to my friend, it was the first time I said it out loud. I quickly added, “I love Jesus! I love God! I just… struggle with the Church.” A little note here: I use the big ‘C’ Church, meaning the whole Church, or specifically, the Western Evangelical Church. A little ‘c’ church typically speaks to one specific church, “your church” or “my church,” that kind of thing.

I spent the first nine years of my faith in a conservative Baptist church, then I went to a Pentecostal church, and that denomination has some pretty conservative views as well. Now I’m in an affirming Anabaptist church, within an un-affirming denomination. Am I living as if God doesn’t exist? Well, here are some thing I don’t do, and some things I do.